Negativity.

I've been far too positive for far too long.

I feel as if I'll be alone forever. I know it's still early in life, but I honestly feel this way. Yeah, I'll have other relationships, and I'm sure I'll have a child... But I don't think I'll ever meet that girl I'll spend my life with.

Something about me pushes people away from me.

I don't want to be an Engineer. I want to go to film school. I want to be involved in the movie industry, or I just want to act in movies or television. But I realize how far-fetched of a dream it is.

I have two real friends. Everyone else just comes and goes. I like to say I have so many friends, but only two of them are really friends. Daniel and Walter.

I have issues of inferiority. I know I'm attractive, smart, and funny, but I'll always have these feelings. It's just who I am. Unless everyone I knew was constantly praising me and stroking my ego, then this is how it's gonna be. And that's stupid.

I won't live up to everyone's expectations. I am me, and that's all I can be. I'm sorry if the version of myself that I am does not match the one you hoped I would be.

I'm a mess.

But, I'm a hot, sticky mess. I'm beautiful in my own way, and I'm happy with who I am. I just needed to be negative again, if only for an hour or so. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and bunnies and bullshit.

Crushing

For a while after Shelby broke up with me, all I wanted was sex. I never successfully got anyone into my bed in this time, but I talked to a lot of girls and made plans with them, but the plans just never worked out.

One of the girls I went after is named Cassy. We talked about it and her stipulation was that she wanted to get drunk the night before, so all I needed to do was find a situation where there was alcohol and she could hang out with me. I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship, but now I am... I've gone to a club with her, and we danced together all night, and yesterday I went to the wolf sanctuary in Montgomery, TX with her. It was her and I, my best friend Daniel, Cassy's friend Nakia and her boyfriend, and Cassy's brother and his girlfriend. It was a lot of fun, and we went to the Woodlands mall afterwards and hung out there.

We got back to Pasadena, and she expressed interest in hanging out with me and Daniel later. So, I went to my sister's birthday get-together, and then afterwards went to Daniel's place. Cassy showed up with her friend, so my plans of asking her out or anything close to that were kind of ruined. But, we all had a good time, we all learned a lot about each other playing Never Have I Ever, and other things like that, and then our friends Colby and Mason showed up.

Cassy's friend had to go home, so they started to leave, and I decided to walk them Cassy's truck. On the way there her friend kept on telling me I was very cute and that if she didn't have a boyfriend she'd make out with me, etc. Cassy was agreeing saying: "Yeah, he is really cute", "He's such a sweetheart" and "I had the biggest crush on him in school." I said something along the lines of "Used to? That's a shame", and she laughed and mentioned the possibility that she might still.

Now, I've always really liked this girl, it was just that I was always wrapped up in a relationship, or I was always going after another girl. Cassy has an awesome personality, she's beautiful, she likes to play video games, and she just knows how to have fun. I like her a loooooottt.

She's the first girl since like the beginning of senior year I've had any trouble asking out. It's not that I don't think she'll say yes... I have no idea what the problem is. Am I unsure of myself? Why in God's name would I be, if that is the case?

I don't know what to do. I really like this girl though, and I feel like if I wait too long she'll go after someone else.