Hell

General asshats, Oakland Raider Fans
Circle I Limbo

DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

PETA Members, Rednecks
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

George Bush, Scientologists
Circle IV Rolling Weights

The New York Yankees, Osama bin Laden
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Rush Limbaugh, Militant Vegans
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

The Pope, Steve Jobs
Circle VII Burning Sands

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Glenn Beck, Republicans
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Woe is Me.

I have nothing to show for my life except the admiration of those closest to me. It's enough for me, but, when does that end? When do I begin to live for myself?

When do I stop partying and start taking life seriously?

I've stopped pursuing any romantic relationships. I feel like I should lock that door and throw away the key. It just doesn't matter to me anymore because everything I've ever wanted was taken from me, and I want what I can't have.

Time alone kills me.

I have a new dream. I hope that some day, my brothers and I write and direct movies together. We'd be great at it. I also want to manage my friends' Daniel Alcaraz, and Steven Thompson's future fighting careers.

I miss blind optimism. I miss having my hopes up and thinking there was no possible way things could go wrong.

I revel in a better yesterday, and dream for a better tomorrow.

November

Some notes for my life as of now.

I'm not ready for college. Taking next semester off. Contemplating military life.

Working on getting a job, and when I do I'll focus on that.

Still single. Don't know when that'll change.

People are liars, fakes, and there are few people you can trust.

My new friends are awesome. I love them. Namely Christian, but they're all pretty awesome.

As soon as I get some money, I'm getting a tattoo of an Alakazam with Christian while he gets his red Gyarados tattoo. And I'm going to let him pierce the right side of my bottom lip.

People are drifting away. And I hate it.

Negativity.

I've been far too positive for far too long.

I feel as if I'll be alone forever. I know it's still early in life, but I honestly feel this way. Yeah, I'll have other relationships, and I'm sure I'll have a child... But I don't think I'll ever meet that girl I'll spend my life with.

Something about me pushes people away from me.

I don't want to be an Engineer. I want to go to film school. I want to be involved in the movie industry, or I just want to act in movies or television. But I realize how far-fetched of a dream it is.

I have two real friends. Everyone else just comes and goes. I like to say I have so many friends, but only two of them are really friends. Daniel and Walter.

I have issues of inferiority. I know I'm attractive, smart, and funny, but I'll always have these feelings. It's just who I am. Unless everyone I knew was constantly praising me and stroking my ego, then this is how it's gonna be. And that's stupid.

I won't live up to everyone's expectations. I am me, and that's all I can be. I'm sorry if the version of myself that I am does not match the one you hoped I would be.

I'm a mess.

But, I'm a hot, sticky mess. I'm beautiful in my own way, and I'm happy with who I am. I just needed to be negative again, if only for an hour or so. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and bunnies and bullshit.

Crushing

For a while after Shelby broke up with me, all I wanted was sex. I never successfully got anyone into my bed in this time, but I talked to a lot of girls and made plans with them, but the plans just never worked out.

One of the girls I went after is named Cassy. We talked about it and her stipulation was that she wanted to get drunk the night before, so all I needed to do was find a situation where there was alcohol and she could hang out with me. I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship, but now I am... I've gone to a club with her, and we danced together all night, and yesterday I went to the wolf sanctuary in Montgomery, TX with her. It was her and I, my best friend Daniel, Cassy's friend Nakia and her boyfriend, and Cassy's brother and his girlfriend. It was a lot of fun, and we went to the Woodlands mall afterwards and hung out there.

We got back to Pasadena, and she expressed interest in hanging out with me and Daniel later. So, I went to my sister's birthday get-together, and then afterwards went to Daniel's place. Cassy showed up with her friend, so my plans of asking her out or anything close to that were kind of ruined. But, we all had a good time, we all learned a lot about each other playing Never Have I Ever, and other things like that, and then our friends Colby and Mason showed up.

Cassy's friend had to go home, so they started to leave, and I decided to walk them Cassy's truck. On the way there her friend kept on telling me I was very cute and that if she didn't have a boyfriend she'd make out with me, etc. Cassy was agreeing saying: "Yeah, he is really cute", "He's such a sweetheart" and "I had the biggest crush on him in school." I said something along the lines of "Used to? That's a shame", and she laughed and mentioned the possibility that she might still.

Now, I've always really liked this girl, it was just that I was always wrapped up in a relationship, or I was always going after another girl. Cassy has an awesome personality, she's beautiful, she likes to play video games, and she just knows how to have fun. I like her a loooooottt.

She's the first girl since like the beginning of senior year I've had any trouble asking out. It's not that I don't think she'll say yes... I have no idea what the problem is. Am I unsure of myself? Why in God's name would I be, if that is the case?

I don't know what to do. I really like this girl though, and I feel like if I wait too long she'll go after someone else.

Balance

There have been a few people I've lost touch with over the past year or so, and in a recent blog I mused over the fact that people come and go.

I am pleased to report that I have evolved enough as a human being to extend my hand to these people and say: "Hey, let's forget about it and try again."

And I'm three for three so far.

I can't wait to see these relationships replenish, grow, and bloom.

Wolf sanctuary on Saturday, then a birthday party for Savanna, and then, hopefully, club later that night.

Just felt like updating. Not much on my mind other than what has been written already.

Woot woot

Kings of Leon concert was amazing. They were perfect. The Black Keys were astounding as well. One of the best concerts I've been to, by far. We drank some Steel Reserves on the way, and it felt good to feel like that again. I don't know the last time I was drunk. Haha.

Mirko vs Mir was the worst main event I've ever seen. The Sherk vs Dunham fight made up for it though, and I can't wait to see where Dunham goes in the long career he has ahead of him.

Oh, and the Cowboys beat the Texans today. =D Roy Williams finally picked up his slack and caught some passes, two for touchdowns. Barber looked pretty good, and my boy DeMarcus Ware got 3 sacks today. Count 'em. One... Tw-

Alright.

In the realm of emotions and feelings: I feel alone. I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family who are always there for me, but I want something more... I want a girl who's gonna make me happy again. Lately it feels like every time I come close to having another girl, it doesn't pan out.

I just want to feel wanted again. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone. I need someone. Not to hold myself up on, but to share my love and affection with. I just want a girl who's going to give me the same thing.

Ugh. Relationships fucking suck.